rubrquun: (Default)
[personal profile] rubrquun
Hey, this is starting to drive me more than a little crazy, so it's probably worth saying out loud:

I feel like I've been perennially behind on my social obligations, and perennially worried that I'm going to come back to those friendships to find they've gone cold. I've had people assume out of the blue that a long period of silence means they've fallen out of favor with me. I've done it to people myself, too. So I get a little paranoid if I'm out of touch with too many people for too long, especially with friends who have security issues or don't have as many social contacts as I do.

And it's starting to drive me to distraction. I think it's one of the reasons I'm not getting a whole lot done at work or on my personal projects. Especially with my ADD, I'm really prone to feeling like whatever I do, I should be doing something else. So I've been wasting a lot of time lately spinning my gears, accepting social obligations I probably shouldn't, and guilting myself out when I do manage to turn down an invitation, to the point where I don't get anything done anyway

I'm not neglecting anyone on purpose, I promise. I am just pretty overwhelmed at the moment. I've been very low mental energy, I've been distracted by back pain, but most importantly, I'm actually making some marginal progress on some of my game projects and would like to continue. :)

By all means, keep inviting me to stuff! I do also want to be more sociable with people -- I guess I just need to make sure more of those occasions are ones that will actually energize me instead of just stressing me out. :) I just needed to give people a word of assurance that if I say no to something, it's for the above reasons and not because I suddenly have a problem with you!

And there's just no freaking way I can possibly maintain every social connection that I want. There are too many interesting people in my life, and not nearly enough useful hours in my day. The best I've ever been able to offer is a "come looking for me and I might say yes, and if we happen to cross each other's paths, we'll see what happens" sort of approach.

But I've always felt really awful about it in the aftermath. I have to start doing something about that, because I'm wasting so much time I could use socializing or working, but not both... and it usually ends up with me doing neither. NONE OF THIS IS ANYBODY'S FAULT BUT MINE. It just won't get any better unless I start talking about it!

I'm fairly cheerful about the whole prospect, actually, since 99% of what I need, my friends have already offered me without hesitation. I just have a real shitty time actually accepting it. This message is my magic feather, so I can wave it at anybody who grumps at me and say, "Listen, it's like this..."

Thanks for listening! No actual action is needed on your part except continued patience. :)
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